't Zoveelste Humor-topic

[Wouterr]

[Asserti]

NFSthunder, te grappig

[///NFSThunder]

Dieje kerel is echt goddelijk he. heeft er nog wel een paar:

Extra Luggage

Original ad:
WILMINGTON TO CHICAGO
I'm driving out to Chicago on 9/1 around noon. I'm looking for someone to split the cost of gas/tolls. If interested, send me an email.



From Me to ***********@*********.org

Hi!

I am trying to go to Chicago, and the 1st sounds good to me. I took my ex-girlfriend's EZ-pass out of her car when she wasn't looking, so we can use that to pay for tolls. I have a few things I want to bring, do you have a lot of room?

Mike

From Brian ****** to Me:

Hi Mike,

Will the easy pass still work even though it isn't in your ex's car? I do have some room, what are you trying to bring?

From Me to Brian ******:

Brian,

I just want to bring a few duffel bags of clothes. Also, yes, the EZ pass will still work.

Mike

From Brian ****** to Me:

That shouldn't be a problem. By the way, how old are you? Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

From Me to Brian ******:

I am 25, and I am a landscaper. I actually am going to Chicago for a national landscaper convention.

I just remembered, I also need to bring my weedwhacker. Will that fit in your car?

Mike

From Brian ****** to Me:

It should...I have a Honda Civic but it has a trunk access panel and we might be able to lay it across the back seat/trunk.

From Me to Brian ******:

Great! I also have a mini-fridge that I want to bring (my hotel doesn't have one, and I need to keep my vodka chilled). Can we squeeze this in as well?

Mike

From Brian ****** to Me:

How big is it. I need room for my things too.

From Me to Brian ******:

It is about half the size of a normal fridge. I have some duct tape and rope, we could strap it to the roof of your car.

From Brian ****** to Me:

I don't want to do that sorry. How about you bring it and we can see if it will fit.

From Me to Brian ******:

Sounds good! I'm sure it will fit. I also want to bring my TV...it is a 50" flat screen. Is that a problem? I really hate the small TVs they have at the hotel.

From Brian ****** to Me:

How much shit are you bringing dude? Are you trying to move to Chicago? I said I have a Civic... not a moving van.

From Me to Brian ******:

I'm not bringing that much stuff, just my clothes, weedwhacker, mini-fridge, and TV. You said you had room for my stuff...now you don't? I don't understand. Does this mean we can't take my recliner either?

From Brian ****** to Me:

Are you for real?

From Me to Brian ******:

Yes I am for real.

I just had an idea...Does your Civic have a hitch? I want to bring my Ford F250 truck, could we hook it to your car? It would be nice for me to have my truck in Chicago so I don't have to ride in those dirty cabs everywhere. We could put some of the stuff I want to bring in the bed of my truck, since you "suddenly" don't have that much room.

From Brian ****** to Me:

Why don't you just drive your goddamn truck there. This is crazy

From Me to Brian ******:

Don't get me wrong, I love my truck, but it isn't so good on gas mileage. Can't we just tow it there? It works out better this way, because I wanted to bring my four wheeler but was afraid to ask you because you seem to be getting all pissy about me bringing my stuff.

From Brian ****** to Me:

Why the hell do you need all this shit for a trip to chicago. If anything it is your truck that should be towing my Civic. For christ's sake man, get real.

From Me to Brian ******:

Oh, do you think your Civic isn't capable of towing my truck? I understand. Tell you what, I'll talk to my friend Anthony. He's a mechanic, and could put a better motor in your car so it has more power to tow my truck. It shouldn't cost that much. What is your number? I'll tell him to give you a call.

From Brian ****** to Me:

I'm done talking to you.

From Me to Brian ******:

So am I still getting the ride? I talked to Anthony and he actually needs a ride to Chicago too. I told him he could come if he helps pay for gas. Do you have an extra seat for him? He might have some stuff he wants to bring.

[///NFSThunder]

Kons For Kids



Original ad:
childcare needed
looking for a responsible and dedicated person to babysit my two children during the week. you will be needed monday through friday, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM. email me at ***********@comcast.net and we can talk about pay. DO NOT EMAIL ME UNLESS YOU HAVE REFERENCES



From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Hi there! Are you still looking for someone to fill your babysitter position?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

yes i am. please send your info and any past expereince you have.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Actually, I am not the one applying for the position. I run a rehabilitation program for good people who are trying to enter society again, and have a few candidates who I think would be able to watch your kids. They will work for a much cheaper rate than a professional babysitter, but will still deliver professional service.

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

what kind of rehab program do you run? injured people or something like that? if you are talking about drug addicts than forget it.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Absolutely not! Don't worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!

My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve. We help them experience the joy of working with children and helping the community. It is often difficult for these ex-cons to get jobs after being released from a correctional facility, but it is a requirement while being on parole.

We have seen lots of success with the program. Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con. Despite the negative image that people like to give to ex-cons, they really are loving, caring people.

I have two potential clients in your area, if you are interested. Here is a little info about them:

Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.

I look forward to working with you. Please let me know which person you were interested in, and I will give their parole officer a call.

Thanks!

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

wow. kons for kids? that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard!!! who the fuck would let a murderer watch their kids!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

KFK is a very respectable program. I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren't interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn't premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.

If you don't want him watching your kids, I'll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

i dont want tim or derek or any of the other lunatics you try to pass off as babysitters! murder is murder it doesnt matter which way you put it now leave me the fuck alone!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Are you still there? It has been three days, and Tim wants to know when he can start working again.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike

[///NFSThunder]

The Plumber That Can't

original ad:
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call




From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,

Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life.

I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.

Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)

Thanks,

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

you must be out of your fucking mind.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing.

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no.

you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Well I just thought that was implied with "I do plumbing." I didn't realize it meant that you didn't take jobs that you are too scared to do.

I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife's engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50.

I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.

Are you going to help me now or what?

From ivan ******* to Me

Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn't even a hard job, so I don't know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I'd ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona.

Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I'll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit.

From ivan ******* to Me
gee i wonder why your wife took your kids...FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!!

[manneke]

The Plumber That Can't


I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.

Are you going to help me now or what?

Echt grappig! Waar vind je die mails?

[Gast]

Hilarisch!!

[mysticwizard]

haha massa's zalig heb in lange tijd zo goed niet gelachen ^^

[Bart_6]

Die laatste pagina's

[Gast]

From Me to cory *****

And get kidnapped? I don't think so.

Here's how it is going down: We'll meet Sunday afternoon in a crowded part of town. Lets say High St, by the courthouse. I'll be walking towards Market St and you'll be walking away from it at precisely 1:00 (when the courthouse clock goes off.) Have a black suitcase ready with $600 in unmarked, non-sequential US twenty-dollar bills. I'll have a suitcase as well, and be wearing a black suit. Tell me what you plan on wearing. We will accidentally bump into each other, drop our suitcases, and pick up the other person's suitcase and continue walking. The suitcase you pick up will have a key inside it to a 1998 Ford Econoline that will be parked on Miner Street. Use the key to open the back of the van, which will have the TV inside of it. Take the TV, and leave the key in the van. You will be watched so don't try anything funny. If the suitcase does not have $600 in it, the van will be destroyed.

Does this work for you?

From Me to Bryan **********

Good afternoon Brian,

Your wife doesn't sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is "slow", and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.

- Dan

From Bryan ********* to Me

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs...

From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********

Great! I'm forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

The name of the school is "Smithbridge School for Special People," and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

From Bryan ********* to Me

Oh boy...please don't...

From Brittany ********* to Me

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

From Me to Brittany *********

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.

-Dan

[Teus]

oldskool humor > afgezaagde youtube/fail/motivators

[///NFSThunder]

Is van een website maar als ik ze 1 voor 1 posten komen ze imo meer tot hun recht :p... maar ik denk dat de meesten de smaak te pakken hebben:

https://www.dontevenreply.com

[Gast]

Zalig

[Alexanderr]

snap hem niet ...

[Gast]

snap hem niet ...

soFA KING low...

[Timmie]

of met andere worden so facking low.

[Teus]

ik moest er ook even op denken

[Gast]

of met andere worden so facking low.

Dat is wat jij eruit opmaakt...

Ik lees, 'so faking low'...

[decat]

en ge kunt daar so fucking low uit opmaken.

Our prices are so fucking low.


get it?


edit: probeer mijn avatar eens uit te vissen

[quadrifoglio]

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What is a dikfore?